Like with some reviews I've already done here, this is one of those movies that if the name of it sounds promising right off the bat, then trust your gut and see it, don't look up any clips or read about it, go into it pure and unknowing, you'll find the surprises even more enjoyable. If you couldn't tell with the way I was going with that, Lady Terminator is obviously one of those movies, so if you want another wacky Indonesian experience that you may have already gotten from The Intruder, get this, and buy, don't download, it's a movie you won't be ashamed to have on your shelf and show to friends on movie nights, I can guarantee it. Released in 1986 and directed by H. Tjut Djalil (no I don't know how to pronounce that) with a star-studded cast including Barbara Ann Constable, Christopher J. Hart, Claudia Angelique Rademaker, Adam Stardust (David Bowie could only wish), and other one-hit-wonders, this movie was officially titled in English (but rarely found) as "Nasty Hunter", while in other territories, they cut right through the bullshit, and declared it a Terminator rip-off (the Japanese title is quite humorously called "Snake Terminator", why snakes? Well, you'll learn in a minute).
How's this movie begin? With a sex scene of course! In a big Indonesian castle (unlike other films of this ilk, this one doesn't try to hide what country it's actually filmed in), between the South Sea Queen of Indonesian folklore and an extra we're probably going to see again later on in the movie, but what the hell? Did she just rip his fucking cock off? Looks like the men who don't please her well enough are of no use, oh well, roll on the next lucky sucker. The next guy is lucky enough to get far without being neutered and actually pulls a SNAKE from her privates! (See where the Japanese version gets its title now?) He turns the snake into a kris somehow, which pisses her off so she swears to get revenge on him in 100 years, by attacking his great granddaughter (so she's psychic too if she can predict the sex of his great grandchildren) and entombs herself at the bottom of the sea. Hm, no time-travel, no androids, where's the Terminator-aspect? Well, the original Indonesian title is "Revenge of the Queen of the South Sea", the Terminator part enters into it with how the movie directly rips off many moments from the James Cameron film, so yes, the distributors didn't even try to mask this one, they must have been so taken back than by this types of movies that they just had to say what it was to reel in more buyers.
100 years pass and a woman called Tania Wilson (who likes putting it in people's faces that she's an anthropologist) goes looking for the tomb of the South Sea Queen, a rummy old sea captain constantly warns her away until he has an instant change of heart (he really does go "no, no, no, no, aw okay") and tells his one and only crew mate (a small East Asian man called Popeye) to set sail for the South Sea. Tania dives in (there's an instance in which she resurfaces complaining about her aqualung, it almost doesn't feel scripted) and eventually comes across the remains of the South Sea Queen's castle, in which she's dreamily transported away to a bed where a snake enters her vagina (while her lower bikini is still on, mind), an angry tidal wave kills the rummy old captain and Popeye, and Tania rises from the waters buck naked at night. Remember, this is a Terminator rip-off, so it's time for the plagiarism to begin! And what better than to do one of the most memorable scenes in film history in which Schwarzenegger killed the street punks and took their clothes. That happens here, except it's with two guys who talk about how they do nothing but jerk-off and one seems to have an infinite stream of piss coming out of his pants. They also quite brutally suffer to death from their cocks being torn off by the snake that's happily nestled in Tania's gooch.
Now-possessed-Tania has to track down the great granddaughter of the nameless guy who had sex with the South Sea Queen (and lived), that being Erica, who is an upcoming Indonesian popstar. In the midst of this is ace cop and friend to alliteration and assonance Max McNeil, who is reminiscing on his first encounter with his wife; back in the US of A, two hoodlums were hassling some women in a bar ("Hey! Do you guys serve beer here or just MILK?") and caught the attention of Max and his mullet-rockin' friend Snake (unrelated to the other use of snakes in this motion picture) as well as a tubby dude called Tub, who get the thugs thrown out of the bar and Max ultimately ends up flirting with one of the now-relieved women, called Linda. Fade to the present, so we know that was a flashback with the final frame of Max and Linda being a photo in Max's hands, indicating they ended up being husband and wife (it sure is useful having random photographers around in bars that no one seems to be aware of).
Max is in Indonesia now and has to investigate the series of penis-removal murders, one of his colleagues complains about how they only have hot dogs to eat on the way to the morgue, to which Max replies "me and Jack have seen more dead bodies than you've eaten hot dogs!". Elsewhere, Tania is on the hunt for Erica and ends up killing her friend in the toilets of a mall followed by a janitor (you've got to love how the killing shot for the janitor is actually somewhat seamless and realistic, then it awkwardly cuts to the dead friend of Erica's, who looks like she forgot to play dead), it seems as if Tania is tracking Erica through means of an ancient necklace her grandfather gave to her, and ended up following her friend because she's wearing a reproduction. Just in time too, as Erica's uncle senses the danger (he resides on a seaside cliff most of his time).
From here on, the movie turns into a full-blown Terminator rip-off, as Tania storms a nightclub where Erica is showing off her 80s pop skills, Tahnee Cain & Tyranglz she ain't though. Max and his buddy Jack are there of course, just for when Tania lets loose and starts shooting the place up. Jack ends up biting it though and Max and Erica are forced to run for their lives, one car chase scene with plenty of synth music later, Max and the police lose Tania. As per usual with these movies, the next memorable scene from the film they're remaking is up for plagiarism next, this time being the police station scene. Max gets a call from Snake and Tub (how much are you willing to bet that joint in Snake's hand is real?) and he tells them about the mysterious invincible woman who has just tried to kill him, Max is gonna need all the help he can get from yankee stoner buddies. Erica's uncle turns up at the station to fill them in on why Erica is being hunted, Max doesn't buy the supernatural stuff though and walks off (you've got to love how Erica defends him saying "he hasn't been in our country very long", clearly Americans are too ignorant and uncultured to know about legends and spooks), the uncle gives Erica the kris her great grandfather turned the South Sea Queen's vagina-snake into, as it's going to be important to the plot.
Tania breaks into the station and riddles a Fred Williamson-lookalike with bullets as well as plenty of other cannon fodder (none of them really know how to react to being shot), Erica's uncle even tries to hold her off by shooting her in the eye with magic, but he gets riddled with bullets too (in the dick of all places). Even Max's colleague gets a bullet in the shoulder but he seems to get away, with Max and Erica making their own escape. In an intimate moment, Max reveals that his old wife was raped and murdered, while she reveals how her parents died when she was young, with the short character developments done, it's time for a gratuitous sex scene (the only one to not have any cock removal).
The day after though, the final battle is about to go underway as Max and Erica lure Tania into an abandoned airport, where Max meets his whole gang; Tub, Snake, some guy called Joe and the unnamed police colleague. After a united brofist of awesome, the team waste no time in bringing out all the stops to put an end to this bitch; machineguns, police units, a helicopter and even a goddamn tank! Listen to yourself cheer for this ragtag group of ass-kickers and laugh yourself silly as it only gets weirder from this point! As it only could end, the narrator leaves us with something nonsensically poetic to think about.
Well, what is there not to like about Lady Terminator! Enough unoriginality to rival that of a Mattei flick with perhaps even more unintentional humour, the downright awful acting is bested only by the dubbing, which makes the most mundane of lines absolute knee-slappers. The pacing does not let up as the entire movie gushes with silly amounts of gore and sex, and the amount of explosions and constant 'bang-bangs!' of no-reload-required machineguns will gladly numb your ears, if the terrible synth soundtrack hasn't already. Surprisingly, some of the special effects are a bit impressive for a movie of this caliber, it's certainly a bit bigger budget than similar titles. There's too many good moments in this, you've even got an extra making a joke about Schwarzenegger!
Lady Terminator is a must for the movie junkaholic with enough to amaze those not used to this sort of trash.
-VendavalEste, 07 July 2010
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